Trigger warning: mentions of rape and violence
What I mean by anger issues is that I am angry, I have issues, I am angry about those issues, and I have anger issues. I have one particular issue that I would like to address today: anger management issue. I am on a slope towards a break, spiralling uncontrollably. Isn’t it crazy how quickly life can get out of control? You miss one bit of your routine, one single day and everything unravels.
I have never experienced masculine rage from the inside so I do not know how it feels. What I have experienced is feminine rage and it is violent. Considering the female experience as a whole with the constant hormonal changes, societal expectations for women to be calm and warm, and the fear of living in a world built against you; I can understand why society would like to tame us.
What’s the most painful is that I feel abnormal, I qualify myself as unhinged a bit too often. I shouldn’t be like this, I should not be this angry. Geez, is there something wrong with me? Why is my blood boiling, ready to burst if the sun shines a bit too bright?
I have all the symptoms of a teenager (I even got IDed multiple times recently). Rebelling against a world that seems to bring you down, the discomfort of your own skin and the anguish -oh the anguish. Coming, once again, to the realisation that instead of living in a wooden fairy world1, you live in a world of unreported rapes, forced pregnancies and life-threatening walks back home. And I’m pissed. And I do not want to refrain myself. I want to break things and destroy walls and computers.
The classical symptoms of a broken spirit. As a teen, you only realise that the world isn’t what it seems to be in all its happy endings and ever after, but you remain hopeful for the future. A bit delusional that you can change the system. At 27, I am realising that we could change it and live better but the power in place will fight against it with all their means. We could live in a wooden fairy world instead of a rapists-go-free, abandoning girls to their sort and femicide world. I so wish I could still make mud soup and not worry about, well you know, life.
I know, I know, this is now my third article about anger and I could probably write a whole book about it. But it needs to be said, no? Normalising feminine anger so girls know it’s ok and eventually find a better way through it than I do. Walking on eggshells, aware that the smallest event can send me into a blind rage. So I scream quietly, clench my jaw and slap my desk to avoid unnecessary noise. Fighting myself to not break my laptop every time Excel crashes or yell really loud when I’m overwhelmed by notifications2. One thing is sure, what I lack in patience I certainly make for in violence.
I walked by a carved hole in a tree when thinking about this article, hence the metaphor. I actually do not care much for it and would rather integrate a Coven than a fairyland.
Please read Fern Brady’s Strong Female Character, the way she describes her outburst of rage made me feel seen.