Welcome to my new subscribers and thank you so much for reading me! This is part 4 of my series on masculinity, the previous articles can be found here.
Foreword
I’ve sat at my desk countless times to write this article, looking for the right angle to this complex and multidimensional topic. I’ve sat at my desk day after day, reading news about yet another femicide, another misogynist legislation, another attack on women. In the year ending September 2023, there were 862,765 reports of domestic abuse. A lump growing in my throat. Stories too close to home, stories that could have been mine.
Stories and histories of abuse are filled with doubts and blame, systemic violence and misunderstanding. The portrayal of victims and abusers is stereotyped, classist and racist. Yes, men are also victims of domestic abuse. Yes, men are over-represented as victims of crimes. Men are also the main perpetrators.1 When violence is such a driver in men’s lives, what does it mean for them and their relationships?
Men as victims and perpetrators
Boys grow up with violence, it’s normalised, if not glorified, through experiences, history, culture. It’s in their games and comics, it’s in the way they see men interact in sports and movies, it’s sometimes at home as victims or protectors. But violence is not innate in boys, it is learned, and it is also what we get wrong about girls. Both are capable of violence, both are capable of care. It is the result of nurture rather than nature.
In All the Rage, Darcy Lockman mentions studies on interaction in preschool classrooms and the different reactions they provoke in the teacher. While thirteen-month-old kids are equally likely to behave aggressively, teachers intervene to modulate the behaviour of girls only 20% of the time, in contrast to 66% for boys.
(…) In learning theory terms, boys’ aggression is reinforced more than three times as often as girls’. By the age of twenty-three months, the girls have become less aggressive and the boys more so. Both group have learned to optimize the potential for adult attention by behaving in the ways that most reliably get them noticed.
Violence is the way boys get the most attention, it is learned and then reinforced as a positive trait of masculinity. It is how men gain respect, it is the way they show off power, it is the way they prove themselves as capable of protecting or dominating.
Men-on-men violence is deemed normal, it is just the way it is.
, a sociology graduate, tells me that violence is not inherent, it is a power play. It is the way they prove their masculinity to other men, as masculinity does not happen without other men. What happens in the manosphere is essentially men’s attempt to prove and legitimise their masculinity. And what easier way to prove manhood than dominating women or men who don’t meet their narrow vision of masculinity? A masculinity in line with what bell hooks called the white supremacist capitalist patriarchy, Arri, author of the Tangie Dreamz substack, explains to me. It creates an unreachable masculine archetype for men to aspire to - men as breeders, providers and protectors. “When (white) men realize that the standard they have been aspiring to is not attainable for them specifically, they point to the other for blame”, the easy culprit being anyone who is not a straight white man.2 “Many of these young men are angry that the system they were told would guarantee them a secure future is not possible or may be something they need to approach differently.”Research found that men scoring low on masculinity tests were more likely to act aggressively. Put into the perspective of the traditional masculinity indicators (breeding, providing, protecting) and considering how unattainable they are, how can we expect any other outcome when the manosphere is pouring hatred fuel? When anger is the only emotion available, violence is the only outlet.
Men are over-represented as both victims and perpetrators of violence. According to the World Health Organisation, they make up 60% of homicide victims, making it the 3rd leading cause of death (age group 15 to 44 years old). Men are also three times more likely to die by suicide. Violence is as symbolic as it is physical. It is in the unwavering show of strength, a stoic attitude, hiding all emotions but anger.
Patriarchy and the masculinity of dominance are at the root of this destructive attitude, it is built on violence, on the thirst for power. Reducing the number of victims, both men and women, means deconstructing the patriarchal system behind the violence. Violence is not inherent to men, but it is inherent to patriarchy and its vision of masculinity. Deconstructing the patriarchal system allows new ways of masculinity, it opens the possibility for men to build trust and communities, it reduces violence.
Violence is the way boys get the most attention, it is learned and then reinforced as a positive trait of masculinity. Terrifyingly it is what girls are told boys do when they like them: if a boy pulls your hair or kicks you it’s because he likes you and doesn’t know how to express his feelings. If a guy is mean, it’s because he’s not as mature as girls to express his feelings. If a man hit you… Violence is how men gain respect, it is the way they show off power, it is the way they prove themselves as capable of protecting but also dominating.
/extra notes/
anthropologists found that wars happen when there is an increase in the young male population
culture, esp. movies, normalised men dying in fights and combats versus the shock value of women dying (often what gives the hero a quest)
the manosphere is men-on-men violence, ignoring it and how it correlates to misogyny opens the door to more offline violence
Dating under the patriarchy
- the case of gender violence VS relationships -
TW: mentions of violence, rape, sexual assaults, domestic abuse, depressing statistics
The effects of #MeToo were nuclear. There was immediate explosive damage and long-term results, I believe the full picture of consequences is only emerging. Linking the 2017 feminist movement to the rise of the manosphere and the recent wave of voluntary celibate women may be a leap, but it’s a leap I’m willing to take.
In the wake of #MeToo, women untied their tongues and started to talk about all the atrocious things men did to them, and when nothing happened to the men in question, women retreated from the dating scene. Young women are protecting themselves from meaningful relationships and as someone a bit older, I can understand. They grew up aware of the danger of casual dating. They grew up as men like Andrew Tate were given a platform, as men like Trump were elected president, as their fundamental rights were stripped away from them. Why would women put themselves out there knowing what some men think of them, knowing those men could be anyone, knowing how much they risk?
Some people like to believe that what is online stays online, they bury their heads in the sand and dismiss any concerns with the back of their hand. Ostriches in denial. Times and times again online radicalisation translated into real-life victims. Why would it be different for misogyny? According to the Femicide Census, 110 women were killed by men in 2020.
1 in 3 women globally has been a victim of physical and/or sexual violence. In a 6-month period, over 1500 British police officers were accused of violence against women and girls. Or not recording the complaints, re-victimising victims of abuse and sexual assaults. Blaming rape victims, questioning their characters, not believing them. Why bother reporting, you know? What are they going to do? After all, 57% of women in prison are survivors of domestic abuse. The Domestic Violence Bill focuses on conviction and increased police presence instead of prevention. As Lola Olufemi puts it in Feminism, Interrupted, “The most pressing urge for survivors is not that their abuser goes to prison, but that there is a safety net for them to fall back on that enables them to leave abusive situations.” That safety net, however, is removed as councils struggle, services for abuse victims are scrapped and women are trapped.
The incel and manosphere ‘online culture’ don’t stay online but bleeds in real life, there’s a reason women are opting for celibacy. It is not the women of #MeToo who ruined dating, it is the absence of consequences the men faced. It is the misogyny influencers who ruined the playfulness of dating. And they will ruin a lot of the boys listening to their ‘tips and advice’ lives and relationship prospects, the implications are far more intricate than a ‘generation of incels’.
Abuse is the main driver of mental health problems in women and girls. If the violence is systemic, the problem comes from the system. Yet the blame is put on women. They should not give up on dating or give in to celibacy but when dating is unsafe, why wouldn’t protect themselves and avoid the worst? Because we know what happens to women late at night, we know what happens to women at home, we know it happens to everyone and we know what happens to men.
a massive thanks to Arri and hera, those conversations were truly inspiring and i whish i could have included more of it. you can find them on substack:
/sources/
A History of Masculinity, Ivan Jablonka (trad. by Nathan Bracher). Penguin Random House, 2023
All the rage, Darcy Lockman, Harper, 2019
Feminism Interrupted, Lola Olufemi, Pluto Press, 2020
Killed women count, Alexandra Topping, Rachel Hall and Mabel Banfield-Nwachi, the Guardian, 08 March 2024
Black women in London face higher femicide rates, BBC, 28 May 2024
Over 1,500 police accused of violence against women and girls, BBC, 14 March 2023
Distorted police statistics downplay domestic abuse reports, says Commissioner, Domestic Abuse Commissioner, 25 January 2024
Gove urged to protect domestic abuse services funding amid councils crisis, Haroon Siddique, the Guardian, 27 February 2024
UK charities warn of ‘devastating’ council cuts to women’s services, Jessica Murray, the Guardian, 18 February 2024
How Many Police Officers Face Domestic Abuse Allegations?, Criminal injuries helpline, 06 February 2024
Scrapping short jail terms in England and Wales puts women at risk, says abuse watchdog, Daniel Boffey, the Guardian, 29 December 2023
The Demographic Transition Theory of War: Why Young Societies Are Conflict Prone and Old Societies Are the Most Peaceful, Deborah Jordan Brooks, Stephen G. Brooks, Brian D. Greenhill, Mark L. Haas, International Security (2019) 43 (3): 53–95
Men's violence against women and men are inter-related: Recommendations for simultaneous intervention, Fleming PJ, Gruskin S, Rojo F, Dworkin SL., Soc Sci Med. December 2015
#MeToo Five Years Later: How The Movement Started And What Needs To Change, Holly Corbett, Forbes, 27 October 2022
Abuse is main driver of mental ill health in women and girls, say psychiatrists, Denis Campbell, the Guardian, 08 March 2024
Ten years after ending an abusive relationship my ex-partner is still trying to destroy me financially, Anonymous for the Guardian, 08 May 2024
“I Don’t Miss It”: Celibacy Is Bringing Some Women Peace, Tanyel Mustafa, Refinery29, 27 May 2024
Not all men etc.
As society is no longer exclusive to straight white men, they point to who “stole” their part of the pie: women, people of colour, the queer community.