Men through the lens
Essays on masculinity
I. Introduction
As feminism transformed society, it inevitably changed the dynamics between genders. Young girls learned about a newfound freedom and the possibilities it opened for them, independence and choice about their life. Coincidentally, girls grew up under the lasting oppressive patriarchy, the male gaze, and the pushback against their rights, still raised to behave a certain way, aware of the consequences of each of their actions. A brutal dichotomy leaving a bitter taste in their mouths.
Boys learned that too. Growing up in an evolving society, in a paradox: they were taught about feminism, that women are no inferiors and that girls are just as strong and capable. The message for boys is implied, you too can be anything you want but you’re supposed to know that. Boys were educated to behave like men and be strong, in a boys-will-be-boys kind of way, to not cry like a girl - even though girls are their supposed equals. They were taught to be breadwinners, patriarchs, and strong protectors. Because that is what real men are.
However, the transformation of gender roles pushed by the achievements of feminism in the 20th century shifted society, the traditional gender roles and the way we interact. Women and girls embraced those new roles, liberated from their gender prison, but masculinity didn’t. What happens when that generation of girls, expecting to be equal to their male partner, is met with different expectations from their male partners?1
In A History of Masculinity, Ivan Jablonka explains that “it is no longer up to women to torture themselves at every moment, exhaust themselves reconciling work and motherhood, family life and leisure. It is up to men to catch up with a world that has changed.”
The path to being a good man is unclear, what masculinity means today seems murky. When feminism was taught, the point on patriarchy, as as system that is bad for everyone was lost in translation (or complexity), and boys got the wrong end of the stick: men means patriarchy and patriarchy means bad, you can expect a blowback once men starts to mean bad.
The status quo remains as men weren’t sure where to stand in this changed society. Attitudes towards women and their roles may have shifted but it is building resentment. Suddenly men are alone and lonely, they struggle to keep friends or find a partner, women have upped their standards (the bar is still pretty low let’s not lie to each other) and no longer need them, they struggle financially to reach the milestones they expected and are expected to reach as men, yet in their struggle they are blamed for everything, for the evil of patriarchy as much as its downfall.
Boys are looking for answers. Without new role models or rules on what a good man is, at best they reproduce what they grew up with and outdated role models. At worst, they are manipulated by influencers, emerging from the same right-wing/red pill/misogynistic manosphere, promoting a certain type of antiquated masculinity.2
An important characteristic of the masculinities of domination is that a man must constantly prove that he is one. Masculinity carries within itself a fear, that of being unworthy of the male sex. - I. Jablonka, A history of masculinity
In conversations with male friends, I noticed how they mentioned Jordan Peterson and his arguments, idolising Elon Musk no matter what he says. How it was making me uncomfortable, the casual misogyny, hard to discern yet present. There was the headlines about Andrew Tate and Joe Rogan and their influence on thousands and thousands of men and boys. Falling into a certain sphere of the internet, where toxic masculinity and misogyny reign supreme. A place where men show their hatred and are applauded for it, a place where hope goes to die really.
The extreme misogyny of comments on Instagram, Reddit, Twitter, etc. attacking women for anything and everything. The decline of women’s rights led by some men's thirst for control over women’s bodies, thirst for power and the good old patriarchal values. Incels. Mental health worsening, loneliness and higher suicide rates. A gap opening wider and wider between them and women. Believing feminism is harming them, framing women as the cause of all their problems.
The radicalisation of a generation under our eyes. I wanted to dig deeper. As for everything, I want to understand why. What is happening to boys and men? Why are they so convinced it’s women’s and feminism's fault that their situation is dire? And why do they think misogynist influencers have answers to their problems? What discourse is attracting them into those spheres?
In the mainstream and political discourse, masculinity, and men in general, are getting confused with patriarchy and patriarchal norms (purposefully or not) in dangerous shortcuts. “Not all men are tyrants, and not all of the masculine can be reduced to the desire for domination. Sates Jablonka in his book. Not only does men’s violence shatter other men, but the cult of authority also plunges the entire gender into anxiety.”
Scratching the surface reveals a deeper crisis and I’m not the only one to make the same observation (shocker). A crisis of masculinity, of what it means to be a man in a society where norms challenge the patriarchy and question the roots of manhood. It’s about going beyond the not all men, the red flags and toxic masculinity, beyond the misogyny and the casual aversion to feminism, the nice guys, gym bros, crypto boys and finance bros. I believe the crisis was inevitable and necessary, how we address it and the roadmap for new masculinity, will define the next generation of men and determine the next evolution of society.
Femininity and masculinity are in conversation rather than opposition, as many would prefer us to think.3 I wanted to dig deeper into the topic because I’ve seen good role models, and I’ve seen men standing up for men and women, I’ve seen them actively trying to address the issues I will mention in the chapters of this essay. I wanted to write about this because I know good men and I would rather gauge my eyes out than see them getting dragged into the easy misogyny (not really but I needed dramatics).
But to be honest, I also am writing this because I am seeing this gap between women and men getting wider, resentment building at an alarming pace and because extreme misogynist discourses are making their way into the mainstream too easily. The implications for the future are ominous and it’s time to change it.4
Next chapter in March: Misunderstanding Feminism: Women as the scapegoat.
A bit of caviar: I will be as intersectional as I can while acknowledging my own place and privilege in society. My observations and research are very much centred on the Western world and the areas I’m comfortable working on/with. Objectivity is a utopia, but I’ll try my best to gather different POVs. I am aware that being a woman will stand in the way of the message for certain.
Please let me know if there is a topic you have in mind, I want to hear your opinion and thoughts. The comment section is open.
I will link and keep track of my sources in a bibliography under each chapter for transparency.
Bibliography:
Men are lost. Here’s a map out of the wilderness, Christine Emba for the Washington Post, 10 August 2023.
A History of Masculinity, Ivan Jablonka (trad. by Nathan Bracher). Penguin Random House, 2023.
Architects’ Sam Carter Tells Groping Crowd Member: F*ck Off, And Don’t Come Back, Kerrang!, 21 August 2017
Social media algorithms ‘amplifying misogynistic content’, Sally Weale for The Guardian, 06 February 2024.
Mascuzynity: How a nicotine pouch explains the new ethos of young conservative men, Anna North for Vox, 23 February 2024.
Gen Z boys and men more likely than baby boomers to believe feminism harmful, says poll, Robert Booth for The Guardian, 01 February 2024.
We must pay more attention to young men,
in, 27 January 2024.
Based on heterosexual relationships as expectations and roles in queer relationships are more fluis and balanced.
Idealising the 1950s and the traditional gender roles: women stay at home and take care of the house, the kids and her husband, she does not work and she especially does as she’s told without complaining, she is a sex object and a carer. Men provide for the family, they are manly, they protect the honour of the family, they are the patriarch. Most importantly the woman belongs to him.
The “Men are from Mars, Women are from Venus” narrative seems reductive. The opposition between genders feeds those who want to build on and benefit from it.
Handmaid’s Tales anyone?