On summer dresses and decision-making
The difficulty to decide when you don’t know what you want.
Every year it is the same: as soon as the thermometer hits 25°C, my all-black and UK-weatherproof wardrobe alienates me. I never was an ultra-fan of summer fashion with its bright colours and over-feminine dresses or invitations to beach-themed parties (or the beach altogether) sickening me. I mean I try to accommodate, I have in my possession shorts (washed black ripped denim), a long summer dress (Morticia-like) and colourful trousers (with dragon prints, extremely cool). On top of that, I have in my ASOS basket an ankle-length, off-white and big bright red poppy-printed dress. If that’s not trying.
By Rosie McGuinness
To be honest, I would love to wear such dresses and other types of sun-associated clothes but it does not feel like “me”. So, I watch from afar, people rocking all kinds of colours, thrifted 90’s shirts and cute tops, while I look -and feel- like Dracula.
As I mentioned before, I do not like to put myself in a well-defined box and pick a single identity. Yet, I constantly tend to force myself into a singular and narrow vision. I want to live many lives, doing different jobs, in different places, each mirroring a different aspect of my personality. The infinite possibilities paralyse me in decisions to make and options to choose from. I can’t decide. I have a FOMO on alternative lives that could have been better for me and that would make everything fit together perfectly. A eureka moment that would last if you’d like.
The amount of brain space I would have if I could just decide and pick one thing. Starting by removing trivial decisions like what to wear especially to work from home and go nowhere. Steve Jobs famously wore the same outfit on repeat for that very reason. Apple did not do too badly, and I am saying this as an Android user. Plus, having a work or writer uniform will have the advantage to put me in the right mood, as studies show that by dressing for the part, we are also more likely to act like it. I am blinded by benefits. How long until I have enough brain space to decide what I want in life?
In order to do that, I have been trying to reconcile the different facets of my identity and make them fit together. The issue is that a part of me wants to be this ambitious and incredibly driven person with an important-well-paid job, while the other would much prefer to be a writer who enjoys her life day to day and makes just enough to live. A part of me wants to live in a Spanish-style house in the countryside, with a garden and an orchard, the other wants to be in a busy city and live in a big flat, with high ceilings, tall windows and an old marble chimney. Or why not be a nomad and constantly travelling the world, but I also feel the need to settle down in one place and be part of a community. A part of me wants to be an expert in an absurdly niche field while the other wants to learn about everything. One believes this list is way too long, the other thinks we can push it for the word count.
I am in perpetual conflict to decide what path would be the best for me and what type of life I would prefer to live. One cannot live in what-ifs and drown in the constant analysis of every option. Choice – too much choice – is the great killer of decision. What if I do not have to choose? Reading Marlowe Granados' article “Make a Spectacle, Will You?”, I had a revelation. Maybe the person I am right now does not have to match who I am for the rest of the year. If the sun version of myself wants to wear a long dress and the rain version prefers a 70’s inspired outfit, so be it. What if I can be a writer and have a corporate job that pays the bills? What if I can have it all? Maybe being as multi-faceted as a fucking disco ball is my identity and, hopefully, you will always find one mirror to recognize yourself in.