On goals
I have a problem when it comes to realising my dreams, I avoid it. Then compare myself to people living it.
“Phenomena” Lily Padula
Once you graduate, you and your friends all have the same degree in hand and are pretty much equal. This means you have a perfect comparison tool at your disposal to scrutinise how well (or not so bad) you are doing. Naturally, you try to tell yourself that “circumstances” and “privileges” and “oh I’m still figuring it out”, and whatever bullshit excuse you can find to give yourself an excuse for your lack of success. My lack of success. Lack of a career in my field. Lack of ambition to lead me somewhere. Lack of knowledge of what I want. Lack of time as my twenties are flying by.
Progressively, you lose contact with some of the people you use to spend your nights with, debating, at your usual bar, around a table full of student-priced beers. I moved away from Belgium to another rainy place (namely, the UK) and most of them stayed in Brussels, I didn’t put any effort into pursuing journalism as a career and most of them did, I hide my writings in notebooks, word documents and anonymous corners of the internet and most of them publish their signed articles/TV reports/radio show on their Instagram stories. Where did I go wrong?
The right thing would be to follow my dream, build a career I love and make my hobby a job. From that point of view (a typical millennial POV), I guess I am doing the wrong thing. Let me explain. I never wanted a boring, repetitive computer-based job, above all I never wanted anything to do with Excel, I did not want to sit all day dreaming about the end of the day, the week, or retirement. And I guessed I manifested that a bit too hard and a bit too wrong because that’s EXACTLY what I am doing, every day. I’m living my anti-goal. I guess that’s still some type of achievement though.
One thing rarely mentioned (out loud) about comparison and success, is the desire to have people envying you, to want the type of success that make everyone look at you with a sting of jealousy. But you can’t say that. Because with success comes humility and without that dose of humility, let’s be honest, you’re a dick. So, I won’t say it out loud, but gosh, how I would like to make that post on social media with my most recent success and all the glory that comes with it. Instead, I post some stories on how I am slowly but surely, losing my mind over a =VLOOKUP formula, joking about quitting every other week.
Of course, I am lucky to have a job that pays enough, that allows me to work from home and to have a decent boss. Still, compared to the ambition I had, the plans I made, and the weight of expectations, I am nowhere near being happy or even content with my day to day. It is hard not to take it as a failure and be miserable about it, especially when I could simply give my two weeks’ notice. It is always a punch in the guts to hear someone being passionate about their job and enjoying their day, knowing that I am wasting precious years, twiddling my thumbs, waiting for a miracle.
Success requires a lot of passion and a lot of work. It is easy to blame that irremediably procrastinating part of me for not having accomplished anything on my meagre goal list (1 goal if I remember). I am working towards it, but argh… work… plus I really, really want to watch How I Met Your Mother again.