I missed last week's publication as I was in Belgium and instead of a late publication for which I had no inspiration nor strength to write on the train, I thought I’ll make a 2-parts article instead. Recently I have found myself between extreme much often than usual. Anger and frustration take over with a disarming ease, the same way wind ruffling through leaves makes me happy. From one extreme to another, the lack of balance makes me trip over, bruising myself in arguments, before getting back up and putting on a plaster.
Illustrations by Kevin Lucbert
Being angry
I chose the word “being” carefully. When anger takes over it controls me, it is all I see and feel, the love child of frustration and irritability. I am angry often and it takes all of my being to get over it and regain any sense of calm. I want to cry and scream, I don’t see clearly and I can’t breathe, I can’t access my reason and I feel stuck and I become violence.
I have recently found myself overwhelmed by the news and the alarming backslide of rights – human rights. In the past few weeks-months-years, the rights of the LGBTQ+ community, people of colour, freedom of the press, women, middle and pauper class, children, refugees, and everything I am forgetting while typing this non-exhaustive list, have been under constant attack. And I am so sick of it.
I have lost all patience to listen to wannabe neo-nazis (no nuances here) trying to convince me that Brexit is good and sending refugees to Rwanda is a great solution, that transgenders shouldn’t exist, or that gay people have too many rights and women are sub-citizens whose bodies have to be controlled by the government, or whatever bullshit they are throwing up in public. I have lost all patience for governments’ infringement on the freedom of the press, censorship of books they deem dangerous because they talk about a reality they’d rather ignore, their sick denial of the climate crisis, the US Supreme Court’s stupid decisions and how it’ll influence other countries, the disrespect of democracy and the rule of law around the globe, the mistakes they make and their denial of it.
After getting angry at the pub, again, because of small-minded people (twats), I am considering just not engaging in such conversations anymore. Am I letting them win or am I removing one of their chance to spread poison? I do not care for their ideas and their basic lack of understanding of the world. Those people and ideas will always find a devil's advocate to agree with them and roll with it, even ironically.
The issue with letting them express their racist-sexist-climate change sceptic-homophobic ideas is that they scream. They scream louder than the rest of the population, and poll after poll shows the majority of the population disagrees with them. But because they found a way to have the monopoly of the news, they seem a much larger part of us than they actually are. Their goal is to divide as much as they can, to isolate minorities, insult people not agreeing with them (like I did a few lines above, I concede) and ultimately, to make minorities disappear (and by that I mean everyone who is not like them or do not share their ideas).
So yes, sure, I will be open-minded and do my best to understand the other side but only if it can improve my own values. I will listen to women of colour to make feminism more inclusive, I will listen to people with fewer privileges and opportunities to have a better understanding of the society we live in and the obstacles they face, I will listen to anyone correcting me when it will actually help me to be a better person and to learn from my mistakes.
Finding joy
It comes in every shape and form, the smallest thing fills me with joy and I can’t help myself but smile. If there is one thing I have learned recently (amongst many others) it’s that those moments of lucky joy can be triggered and found in everything. By creating routines and rituals, adding small delicious elements (thank you Florence Given) to the mundane changes a day.
I love waking up early when the world is still asleep and the sun starts to rise. Preparing coffee and the smell of it awakens my senses, the most needed joy of quiet time. The gold light of the sun hits my desk at a perfect angle and I bathe my face in its nice warmth. I always loved to wake up earlier than necessary (at least 3 hours) and savour that out-of-time moment, it holds whatever I can imagine for my day.
How to keep the day in that delicious mood, how to recreate it every day?
It always starts the same way. I read my book in bed with a fresh coffee. I get up, light up some candles and select some newspaper articles to read at the kitchen counter (quality journalism and writing make me so energised and inspired), I cook breakfast and hope I have the time to go on a coffee errand before work. I know my day will be better if I write and feel inspired, I also know that this will be easier if I keep a routine and have some time to be bored.
Then there’s the unexpected joy, the one that finds me. Like the three seagull chicks playing on the roof opposite our flat, enjoying the rain-caused pond. Going on a walk to the shop to get some milk, hearing the wind through the leaves, the fresh air and cold droplets falling from the trees. A podcast episode resonated particularly well with me or a song on shuffle I totally forgot about. An aesthetically pleasing feed on Instagram or Pinterest, learning new things about art, slow fashion or history. And don’t even get me started on good food. Things from the mundane every day are made better by paying attention and taking the time.
Fresh flowers
I picked up fresh flowers today.
They were dry and dead,
the colours faded and darkened.
What used to be a white cloud is now a black crown.
I took the nice jar from the kitchen, filled it with sweet water.
Now they stand on my desk, a chaotic bouquet filling me with happiness.
I want to surround myself with nice objects, trinkets and treasures found in unexpected places. I want to have a space filled with plants and art, fresh flowers and plenty of books, sea shells picked on the beach and souvenirs from travels. A place where I can find joy everywhere when anger takes over.